Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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