Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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