Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
