ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
