i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
