her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
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I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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