you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
