#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
