maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Never underestimate the power of titties
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
