it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
