She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my shit smells like andre
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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