I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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