I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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