I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
