i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize