I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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