A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
