im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize