I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
birth control should be required to get into college
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
