this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
