Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
