i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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