its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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