I think I am morally bankrupt
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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