woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
