I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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