Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
