I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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