Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
