I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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