i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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