Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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