i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
