just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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