Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
