every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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