she woke up with a sticky ear
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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