Texts From Last Night

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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.

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  (802): He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR. http://tfl.nu/1otj
  Replies (40) Good night (4206) Bad night (692)
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  (631): View more from New York

  I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.

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  (631): I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week. http://tfl.nu/88zi
  Replies (14) Good night (758) Bad night (2932)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...

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  (843): my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk... http://tfl.nu/ndqi
  Replies (14) Good night (5824) Bad night (1419)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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  (774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua
  Replies (27) Good night (6753) Bad night (1288)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
  Replies (20) Good night (6378) Bad night (1008)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?

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  (210): We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this? http://tfl.nu/a3d2
  Replies (11) Good night (2882) Bad night (973)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

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  (815): Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess. http://tfl.nu/3e7p
  Replies (13) Good night (2407) Bad night (1323)
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  (323): View more from California

  You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.

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  (323): You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion. http://tfl.nu/elx2
  Replies (2) Good night (1408) Bad night (669)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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  (734): It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/kgmn
  Replies (24) Good night (4847) Bad night (770)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.

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  (330): it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with. http://tfl.nu/kix9
  Replies (9) Good night (1307) Bad night (653)
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  (518): View more from New York

  It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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  (518): It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun. http://tfl.nu/n6c2
  Replies (21) Good night (2208) Bad night (988)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.

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  (403): Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/jnzf
  Replies (10) Good night (2632) Bad night (723)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.

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  (201): I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made. http://tfl.nu/1nr5
  Replies (7) Good night (1906) Bad night (497)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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  (208): He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in http://tfl.nu/d89r
  Replies (10) Good night (3236) Bad night (866)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.

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  (616): The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying. http://tfl.nu/6bih
  Replies (1) Good night (554) Bad night (247)

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