lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
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Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
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I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.