You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
The adults are the big ones right?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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