Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
cat food counts as protein by the way
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
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