I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
