I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
