I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
