I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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