you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize