I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
