He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
