I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
