when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
