I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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