Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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