Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
