The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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