dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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