textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
