john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
