Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
